Managing Your Client’s Emotions by Megan E. Green Newsletter

Managing Your Client’s Emotions

By Megan Green

 Megan Green is a certified family law specialist and partner in the family law department at the 20 attorney Los Angeles law firm, Feinberg, Mindel, Brandt and Klein, LLP. Megan has been practicing family law for 12 years. Her practice focuses on complex child custody disputes, including move away cases, as well as division and characterization of assets and debts, determination of child and spousal support, tracing of assets, fiduciary duty obligations, transmutations, business valuations, paternity disputes and palimony actions. For more information, visit www.fmbklaw.com or call 310-447-8675.

As a family law practitioner, my expertise is in managing clients’ emotions. I have the opportunity to work with people who are experiencing the most emotional time of their lives, especially during custody litigation. The personal ideology I try to convey in custody cases is “where there was once love, there can always be love (or at least civility; it may simply take a different form.” The problems arise when clients believe someone has to either win or lose, but it doesn’t have to be that way. With the proper mentality, it is possible for both parties to succeed and be happy, including the children. I speak from experience, as my parents divorced when I was three. At the time of their divorce, my parents made sure to put their personal feelings of resentment aside to ensure my relationship with them was not impacted.

 Forgive your former spouse for any perceived wrongs.

One tool in managing clients’ emotions is teaching them the art of forgiveness. In child custody litigation, parties thrive in learning to forgive their spouse and have an amicable relationship. I remind clients that it is in the child’s best interest to do this and the act of forgiving will emotionally set them free. The forgiveness process involves giving up resentment towards the opposing party and fighting the urge to retaliate. I can’t stress the freedom that surfaces in forgiving the other person of their perceived wrong, a lesson my mother taught me as a child.

There is an old Chinese proverb, “If you are going to pursue revenge, you better dig two graves.”

If it is not enough of an incentive to forgive for personal emotional freedom, forgiveness, or lack thereof, has a great effect on the children as well. Children feel their parents’ resentment and desire for revenge. They also feel their parents’ willingness to work together in a constructive manner to achieve healing for the entire family.

I have litigated custody cases where one parent, resentful and in pursuit of revenge, lost custodial time with their children as a result. For example, one parent refused to pay child support, which was ultimately admitted into evidence and adversely affected his case. Other examples of resentment and anger manifest in text messages and telephone calls. I have often litigated cases where parents, who may otherwise be esteemed pillars of the community, allow so much bitterness to consume them that they have written or said hostile/violent comments to the other parent. These outbursts may be admitted into evidence and influence the fact finder’s decision.

Shockingly, some parents consumed with bitterness and resentment speak pejoratively to the children about the other parent. As stealthy as these parents engaging in this unscrupulous behavior try to be, their demeaning commentary is often made apparent to the powers that be.

Judicial officers consider abusive or acrimonious acts between parents when making custody determinations because, according to Family Code §3020(a), it is the public policy of the State to ensure each child’s health, safety and welfare be the court’s primary concern in determining the child’s best interest when making physical or legal custody and visitation orders.

Hostility between parties could adversely affect your client’s case.

One leading case in family law which almost every practitioner and judicial officer is familiar with is Marriage of LaMusga (2004) 32 Cal.4th 1072. The case involves a custody battle where, due to the mother’s unresolved feelings toward the father, the court found the minor children felt unwarranted animosity towards the father. Id. The child custody evaluator, Dr. Philip Stahl, found the children demonstrated “extreme polarization, overindulged emotions, and significant struggles emotionally” due to the mother’s personal feelings towards the father. Id. at 1082. Additionally, Dr. Stahl noted that the mother was contributing to alienation between the father and the children, although it was covert and unconscious. Id. Even though Dr. Stahl noted the father had flaws himself, he ended up recommending against the mother’s request to move with the children because he did not believe she was in an emotional state to facilitate a healthy relationship with their father. Id. at 1083. The court found that although mother’s proposed move was not in bad faith and she was not purposely trying to alienate the children, she was trying to “align” them with her.  Id. at 1085.

The Court of Appeal correctly noted: “[T]he superior court’s function in determining custody is not to reward or punish the parents for their past conduct, but to determine what is in the best interest of the children. Clearly, the Court must consider the past conduct of the parents in fashioning a custody order that serves the best interests of the children.” Id. at 1094.

“Forgiveness is the fragrance the Violet sheds on the heel that crushed it.” – Mark Twain

Relinquishing resentment and hostility towards the opposition facilitates a clear-headed approach to the perceived problem that must be overcome in the litigation or transaction. Sometimes what appears as our worst nightmare, may really be a gift. Oftentimes, the difference between those who succeed in life and those who don’t is in understanding this phenomenon and using adversities to their advantage. For example, in going through my own parent’s divorce, rather than viewing it as a nightmare while growing up, I used it constructively thereby making it a gift. It taught me resilience, compassion and led to my decision to help people as a family law attorney. After all, life is, in essence, a series of learning opportunities (although sometimes disguised as hardships).