| A. |
It sounds like you are at the beginning
stages of determining whether or not your marriage is worth salvaging, or if it is better
for you to move on. You are correct in that the most important issue to your
children and to you is your safety, both physically and financially. In order to
prepare yourself in the event of the dissolution of your marriage, it is important that
you immediately take steps to surround yourself with the necessary professionals who can
help guide you through this process. At a minimum, you will need an attorney and a
good mental health professional.
Searching the divorce/separation web sites
and reading books may be useful to you in helping you to focus on your issues, but a
qualified family law attorney will be able to summarize your situation for you quickly and
efficiently. I highly recommend developing a relationship with an attorney now, by
setting up an initial consultation with a family law practitioner in your area. If
you need a referral for a family law practitioner, I suggest that you first speak with
friends and family who have utilized a family law attorney in the past, and if that is not
helpful, then I suggest that you contact your county bar association for a list of the
Certified Family Law Specialists in your area. Most attorneys will meet with you on
an initial consultation basis for an hour or two, at a reduced or flat fee in order to
help you focus on your situation.
Prior to meeting with the family law
attorney, you should gather some information regarding your income, expenses and
assets. I recommend that you bring to the initial meeting copies of your last three
years’ tax returns, and documents concerning any purchases of real property, such as
the escrow closing statement and other documents to show when the property was purchased,
the purchase price, the source of the down payment, and information concerning the
mortgage.
It would also be helpful if you would
outline your income and expenses for the family law attorney. Your income should
include any income that you earn from working, interest or dividend income, and income
from any other sources, such as unemployment, Social Security, or child support paid to
you from a prior relationship.
In order to answer your questions regarding
your financial ability to support yourself and your children after you and your husband
separate, the family law practitioner will need to have detailed information regarding
your current expenses, including your housing expense (your rental payment or mortgage and
property taxes), food expenses, utilities (including your phone, water, gas, and
electric), entertainment expenses, auto expenses, insurance expenses, medical expenses
that are not reimbursed by your insurance carrier, and your child care expenses.
Many states determine child and spousal support through the use of a computer
program. You should ask the family law attorney at the initial consultation to use
the computer model to give you an estimate as to what your child and spousal support, if
any, will be.
During your meeting with your family law
attorney, I suggest that you ask the attorney for the names of some good mental health
professionals that can assist you with regard to the emotional issues revolving around the
divorce. Most good family law attorneys will have two or three mental health
professionals that they work with on a routine basis. If possible, it is always best
to work with a mental health professional who is trained and is familiar with the family
law system in your county. It is important that your mental health professional be
able to give you guidance from past experiences with regard to what a court is or is not
willing to do with regard to your ultimate parenting plan.
It is important to have your
attorney’s advice in selecting a mental health professional because ultimately, you
may or may not want your mental health professional to testify should there be a hearing
on custody or visitation. Furthermore, there may be issues of doctor/patient
privilege and attorney-work product privilege that you should explore with your
attorney. For example, you will want to know whether or not your discussions with
your mental health professional will be discovered by your husband and his
attorneys. Your experienced family law attorney will be able to guide you with
regard to the use of the mental health professional.
Furthermore, the mental health professional
will be able to assist you in developing a realistic parenting plan which you can present
to your husband, either directly or through your attorney, depending on the negotiating
strategy. You should have discussions both with the family law attorney and with the
mental health professional regarding the best way to approach your husband should you
ultimately choose to separate from him.
Lastly, you will need to explore with your
family law attorney issues regarding how you are going to pay for the divorce. My
experience has been that most families generally spend most of what they make each month
on their personal expenses. Therefore, when the family is separating, it is
difficult to maintain two households, pay the mental health professionals, and pay the
attorneys’ fees. Therefore, you should review your financial
situation to determine if you can obtain additional credit cards with large open lines of
credit to assist you in bridging any financial gaps that may occur during
separation. Additionally, you can speak with your relatives regarding their ability
to assist you should a financial problem develop after separation.
Feeling safe both financially and
emotionally is important to both adults and to children. You are certainly on the
right path when you put these goals as your priorities. The use of a mental health
professional and a lawyer will create a team which will assist you in reaching your
ultimate goals. |
