Your problem is not unique to you and
your husband of 17 years. The issue of grandparent rights has become more important as
societal norms have changed and more grandchildren are being raised by their grandparents.
Unfortunately, current law in most states does not recognize grandparent rights, even when
the children are clearly emotionally bonded to the grandparents, and even when the
grandparents are significantly better parents than the biological parents of the children.
Your situation clearly demonstrates the old
adage that "no good deed ever goes unpunished". It is obvious that you and your
husband have done a spectacular job in filling in for your daughter and the father of her
children who have been unable to care for the children since their infancy.
Many states have recently attempted to
establish grandparents rights, but have been overruled by the Federal courts which have
routinely sided with the biological parents in spite of close emotional bonds between the
grandparents and the children. This issue is often seen where the grandparents are given
temporary custody of the children due to abuse or drug usage by the biological parents. In
many instances, years pass before the biological parents are found to be fit enough to
parent their children. In these instances, the disruption to the children’s lives is
often dramatic with the obvious results that the children’s academic performance
suffers, and children which were previously not disciplinary problems, suddenly become
disciplinary problems. In spite of the obvious and apparent disruption to the
children’s lives, the courts have routinely ruled in favor of returning the children
to the biological parents.
My experience in working with grandparents
who have been raising their grandchildren, is that the courts are often sympathetic to the
children’s needs, and the grandparent’s dilemma. As a result, the courts will
push the attorneys hard to attempt to reach a settlement whereby the grandparents continue
to provide a significant influence in the children’s lives. In your particular case,
it would be wise to sit down with a Certified Family Law Specialist in your area who can
discuss with you his or her experience with the local Judges on the issue of
grandparent’s rights.
At a minimum, I would recommend speaking
with you daughter about attending counseling to attempt to work out a mediated agreement
whereby your and your husband’s role in the children’s lives is still
significant, but allows your daughter to develop her own parenting skills and raise her
children. Given the fact that the law is clearly not on the side of grandparent rights,
your best alternative is to attempt to reach a mediated settlement with the use of a
trained mental health professional who will clearly recognize the importance of the
children’s grandparents in their lives. Hopefully, a result can be reached whereby
the children will be allowed to spend an appropriate amount of time with both their
biological parents, as well as with you and your husband.
The trained mental health professional will
also be able to assist you and your husband with regard to your own issues concerning his
feelings of loss and abandonment when the children are not with you. You should be
commended for your efforts in maintaining your solid 17 year marriage.
The short answer to your question is that I
would not abandon your 17 year marriage, but I would work with a trained mental health
professional to assist your family in maintaining all of the relationships, including your
relationship with your husband. |
